New Year, New Conflict. Let’s Resolve It!
Conflict Resolution for Teens
Everyone experiences conflicts. It’s a natural part of growing up and life. From the early years learning to share toys, to working with partners on a school project, when people come together, conflicts will arise. Over time, everybody experiences their fair share of conflicts, most of which can be easily resolved through perspective taking and compromise. However, some conflicts, and some people, may require more direct, explicitly taught conflict resolution instruction.
When conflicts arise, emotions typically run high. During these times, the brain is not thinking logically or rationally, therefore waiting to problem-solve is recommended. Once calm, the brain can make better decisions, allowing one to see the situation more clearly. This is when utilizing learned coping strategies will be effective. It is important that prior to conflicts, teens have a variety of coping skills to pull from. Deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, counting backwards, or taking a break to engage in preferred activities are just a few strategies that teens may find helpful. The key is to practice these strategies when regulated which will make it easier to call upon them when needed. Just like any skill, coping strategies must be practiced to be effective.
Once calm and regulated, the conflict resolution process may begin. First and foremost, it is important for adults to validate feelings and help their teens understand that their feelings and experiences are normal. Teens have fewer life experiences than adults, therefore their conflicts often feel like the end of the world. It is important for parents and caregivers to model respectful and empathic conflict resolution from a young age along with helping them recognize and understand emotions. Teens can be especially self-centered, and need reminders that others are going through similar challenges. This perspective-taking can be hard but is crucial for the conflict resolution process to be successful.
During the conflict resolution process, it is essential that both parties are on the same page and understand the source of the conflict. Using “I statements” for effective communication focuses on feelings and avoids blaming others. The base word in resolution is in fact resolve, therefore placing blame will not help the desired result. Through the use of “I statements”, everyone has a chance to voice their perspective. Calmly and respectfully state your concern without jumping to conclusions. It is easy to place blame, so separating the person from the behavior to avoid further conflict is important. Jumping to conclusions, becoming defensive, and reacting impulsively can hinder the resolution process. Pausing to think before reacting and employing active listening can be some of the most beneficial strategies to implement.
Brainstorming solutions together will aid in the development of a compromise. You don’t have to agree on everything to resolve the conflict, but open, honest, and direct communication will help the process run smoother. Stand up for oneself in a respectful and assertive way by stating what you need while respectfully hearing what the other person needs. Focus on the problem, not the person, and always remain in the present. A mutual understanding of what needs to change must occur so that the conflict doesn’t happen again. It may even be necessary to end the discussion without a solution and “agree to disagree”. The key here is knowing you’re at a standstill and when to walk away. Lastly, the act of apologizing should not be overlooked. A simple “I’m sorry” can go a long way.
The act of resolving conflicts is not easy for anyone, especially teenagers who are experiencing ever-changing emotions and hormones, social and societal pressures, and a variety of personal circumstances. With the right education and support, they can improve their ability to effectively problem-solve without compromising their relationships.
Stacey Beyer, MSEd, BCBA
Board Certified Behavior Analyst
Social Learning and Executive Function Coach