It's Your Choice!
I was diagnosed with dyslexia at five years old, and admittedly, it brought about a lot of shame and hopelessness. Over time, I was able to find a way forward as many empathetic people gave me guidance and support.
That said, once I got through high school, I naïvely assumed that because I had graduated, I would be able to press restart and not need support because I had overcome all obstacles. As I was preparing for college, my mantra was,
“I got this… If I need help, I’ll ask for it.” “Chill out.. I got this”.
That was a massive mistake on my part. It was almost catastrophic and, retrospectively, some of the most dimwitted thinking I’ve ever had.
College was tough… especially the first year. I was an organizational nightmare. My executive functioning was essentially nonexistent, and I was too proud to ask for help.
What haunted me was that my father, who, of all things, happened to be a Humanities professor, said I should access as much support as possible so I wouldn’t have to dig myself out of a hole by October…. Of course, I dismissed his sage, wanna-be Yoda advice.
By the time October rolled around, I was a trainwreck. On Columbus weekend, I decided not to go home to visit my family because I didn’t want to admit to my father that, once again, he was right. The last thing I needed was for anyone to tell me the dreaded sentence: “I told you so.”
Well… My dad tracked me down, and while he—to his credit—didn’t say, “I told you so,” he asked me if I was willing to get help, and I finally caved and agreed. The remainder of the semester was an uphill battle and, quite frankly, demoralizing. I should have been humble.
So now… years and years later... I am constantly reminded of my own past mistakes when I work with students who say,
“I got this… If I need help, I’ll ask for it.”
Life does have a sick sense of humor... While I can appreciate their age-appropriate hubris and naïveté, I also don’t hold back by telling them that they are being wildly unrealistic. Often, I will go so far as to tell the parents that they are crazy if they are going to support their child going to college with their current mindset; I tell them that their child's attitude is a precursor to disaster and that if they fail out of college in their first semester, it is going to be to their detriment on so many levels.
They, as parents, need to make it clear, in no uncertain terms, that their children need access to support systems in college and that they must agree to work with an executive function coach who will help facilitate a plan for them in college BEFORE classes even start. Waiting until October can lead to irreparable consequences. Make it a condition that they need to seek support, at the very least, during their first semester, and if they demonstrate the skills and competency to handle things, they can proceed on their own. Frankenberger Associates offers Tailored Tutoring the Executive Function Coaching as well as Adult Executive Function Coaching.
Inevitably, students often realize they truly need the assistance and support they are getting and begin to realize the narrative of “I got this” is delusional. There is no shame in being proactive about getting help. That is a sign of strength and a keen sense of self-awareness. The same also can be said regarding therapeutic support and psychopharmacology.
Transitioning to college is incredibly stressful, and the idea that you would stop seeing a therapist during this transition is absurd. Let that support person help you with the transition. If you are taking medication for anxiety and depression, do NOT assume that because you’ve gotten through most of your adolescence, you will no longer be a victim of depression or anxiety. Don’t rock the boat more than you must. Stay the course and stay in touch with your therapist, and don’t alter your medications until you at least settle into school and have a better sense of self. Take advantage of every support system available to you.
Do everything possible to ensure you don’t return home during Thanksgiving of your first year feeling overwhelmed and demoralized when proactive measures could have been taken.
Note to parents… remember that once your child goes to college, you are not privy to much of anything. While you may have been able to be a zealous advocate for your child up until high school, your role as an advocate, in many respects, is over. Professors are under NO obligation to speak with you. You, as parents, cannot have access to your child’s academic records. If you call the academic support center, they will NOT speak or collaborate with you. The access you had and the safety you provided your child up until high school is gone. The onus is on your child, and unless you make it very clear to them that they are now responsible, the chances of their success in college will be compromised. Nothing is wrong with making it non-negotiable with your child to access and use the support needed to attend college. While they may now be young adults, you are still their parents and are probably supporting them on many levels.
Please don’t wait and see what happens... The stakes are too high, and your young adult child often underestimates the significance of their new role.
Josh Doyle, M.Ed
Educational and Therapeutic Consultant
www.joshdoyleconsulting.com